Separation and divorce can have a profound impact on any child. Once you sign the final divorce agreement, you cannot go back. However, you can still build a better future for your child. In this post, we’ll help you understand how divorce affects your children.
Explaining Divorce to Children
Even broaching the topic can be difficult. However, it’s important to be honest. You will ideally be together to explain this and answer any questions they have. Reassure them immediately that it isn’t their fault. If you don’t, they might blame themselves.
Make it clear that you and your ex-spouse aren’t together anymore. You must both avoid placing blame on each other. A sense of stability is essential. Even if you don’t know your full custody arrangement yet, clarify that they will still see both parents.
Above all else, show them that both of you still love them.
Possible Behavior Challenges
Even with the lightest possible touch, divorce can massively affect a child of any age. They may fall behind in school or struggle with their future relationships. Without a healthy role model for a married couple, they might have commitment issues.
Your child might also become more defiant, probably as a way to process their emotions. If they lash out at you in the years after a divorce, remember that they’re likely struggling. Stay as patient as possible, and always offer to talk things out.
It’s important to remember that this isn’t your fault. A failing relationship isn’t a suitable environment for any child. Divorce might be the healthiest outcome for the whole family. By showing your kids love, you can help them weather any storm that lies ahead.
Reactions From Different Ages
How a child reacts depends on their age. If you have several children in different age groups, they’ll likely each respond differently. Here’s what you can expect:
- 0-5 years old: If they’re old enough to understand divorce, they might blame themselves for it. They’ll worry about losing a parent or both parents. Make sure they know that isn’t going to happen.
- 6-12 years old: As they get older, your children will start internalizing emotions. If they notice the rift between their parents, they might feel torn. Be ready to discuss these feelings with them.
- 13-18 years old: Teenagers are quick to act out and get angry. They might resent one or both of you for upending their life. Hear them out, but explain to them that this is what’s best.
However, please note that every child is different. You shouldn’t worry if the above doesn’t hold true for your children.
Caring for a Child of Divorce
Whether you have permanent or temporary custody, parenting after a divorce comes with many rules. Everything you do makes an impact, so tread carefully without walking on eggshells. Here are seven post-divorce parenting tips that might help:
- Prioritize stability: Keep your child’s routine intact; familiarity can help them cope. Work around their school and bedtime schedules as best you can.
- Be a good listener: Talk to your child and ask how they’re doing. Make an effort to listen to their concerns and always validate any feelings they share.
- Don’t blame your ex-partner: You can’t sabotage your children’s relationship with their other parent. At best, this could hurt their parental authority.
- Avoid oversharing: Similarly, there’s a fine line between open communication and using each other as emotional crutches. Don’t rely on your child for support.
- Be present: Make time for your child and take a genuine interest in their life. If they start slipping in school, you might notice before it’s a problem.
- Work with your ex-spouse: Try to stay on friendly terms with your ex-partner. Some occasions (such as birthdays) are extra special with both parents present.
- Look after yourself: You can’t neglect yourself; your child may quickly notice this. Work on processing your own feelings, even if it’s with a therapist.
Potential Positive Outcomes
As mentioned above, there are situations where divorce is the best outcome. You two might just be happier living apart. If you fought often, divorcing may even make your children feel relief.
Divorce can affect how children view relationships. However, this isn’t always a problem. In fact, you could teach them that it’s okay to leave relationships that aren’t working. They may even get a step-parent (or two) further down the line.
A divorce can also teach children resilience. Many kids struggle with divorce because they have no experience with significant changes. If they can adapt to shifting custody schedules, this might help them better handle uncertainty later in life.
Final Thoughts
In a divorce, never forget what your children are going through. Some disruptions are inevitable, but it’s your job to help them through each one. Quickly address any behavioral problems, and make sure your child knows you’re always there for them.
